


Anodyne

by mightierthanthecanon



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Family Issues, M/M, magnus is the best boyfriend ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 18:16:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6764731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mightierthanthecanon/pseuds/mightierthanthecanon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After 4 months of being cut off from his parents (and 4 months pretending to be okay about it), Alec wakes up hungover to find that he's talked to Magnus about his parents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anodyne

**Author's Note:**

> based on the prompt: Malec + "things you said when you were drunk"

There were different kinds of pain, Alec had learned. Wounds could hurt, and would bleed, but they were shallow, physical. He could deal with those. Migraines were familiar to him as well–stress headaches, the pain of gritted teeth. Being the Lightwood’s eldest son had taught him these, and how to handle them. Alec knew other kinds of pain, now, too–sadness, loneliness, love. What he woke up to this morning, however, wincing against the sunlight, was something different. Alec’s head ached, and his limbs moved slowly, sluggishly, as he pushed himself out of bed.

A hangover, he realized, shaking his head (and then regretting it) as he remembered. Izzy’s ridiculous bet. Magnus’ delicious drinks. Then, a blank. Out of habit, Alec’s mind reached for Jace, wondering if he was passed out somewhere as well, using a leather jacket as a blanket, but–

Alec stopped himself.

Jace wasn’t there. Jace hadn’t been there for months. Jace was with Valentine, and Alec was drunk and hungover and…

It was too early in the day for Alec to be uselessly worrying over his parabatai. He couldn’t even explain why he was so emotional, or what was going on with him this morning. It wasn’t just that he was sore, or even that he’d drunk too much. Alec felt vulnerable and overly-sensitive, like his heart was beating outside his chest. What had happened last night?

He stifled a yawn, stretching an arm over his face to block the sun. Magnus would know. Magnus always knew.

Still half asleep, Alec reached around blindly for his phone, but couldn’t find it. It wasn’t even on the floor, knocked over in the middle of the night like he’d done a million times before. When he finally rolled onto his side (pausing for a minute to let the room spin), Alec realized with a start that he hadn’t just missed it. It wasn’t there. The bedside table was gone too. Alec glanced around the room, then down at the bed. The sheets beneath him were deep red and silky, not the cheap utilitarian white he was used to. More than that, for once in his life, Alec didn’t feel like getting out of bed.

Because it wasn’t his bed.

_Of course._ He was at Magnus’ place.

Almost as though he’d heard the thought, Magnus appeared at that exact moment, brandishing a tray piled with breakfast food and the biggest glass of water Alec had ever seen. It smelled delicious–like strawberry pancakes and fresh bacon and a thousand other things Magnus knew Alec wasn’t supposed to be eating. Which was exactly why they were there. Alec smiled despite himself.

“Sleeping Beauty finally rises,” Magnus said, smirking, and placed the tray on a bedside table that Alec was 100% sure hadn’t been there five seconds ago.

He grumbled, but more out of habit than anything else, and found himself smiling as Magnus added even more food to the tray for no other reason than to laugh at Alec’s reaction. He paused, bent halfway over the bed, his hair still soft and damp around his face, and smiled at Alec. Alec’s breath caught in his chest.

It wasn’t the first time Alec had woken up like this. Magnus liked to dress himself–which included his clothes, his hair _and_ his nails–without the added stress of a deadline, which meant that he woke up early more often than not. In the beginning, Magnus had apologized for it, but Alec never complained. Although Alec blamed his morning ritual on his training and not his hair (though Magnus knew better), he did the same. On the nights he spent at Magnus’ he was treated to the sight of a soft, sleepy, un-made-up Magnus Bane in the mornings. It was always Alec’s favorite part of the day.

This morning, however, it was different. Between his inexplicable emotional state and the still-sleepy vulnerability of the early morning, it felt as though Alec was seeing Magnus for the first time, light streaming across his face so that he glowed in the room. Alec felt special, privileged to see this side of him, and felt the inexplicable desire to drag Magnus down into the bed with him, both of their Sunday plans be damned. He couldn’t look away. He could barely breathe.

“Good morning, Alexander,” Magnus murmured, tracing Alec’s jawline with one finger. There was something strange in his voice…

But then Magnus was lifting Alec’s chin and pulling him into a kiss. He kissed his lips, first, smiling against his mouth as Alec arched up into him, then, softly, his forehead, before pulling away.

Alec didn’t realize he’d closed his eyes until he felt Magnus’ long fingers rubbing circles into his hip. Alec sighed, keeping his eyes closed against the sunlight, and leaned into him.

“How are you feeling?” Magnus asked.

Alec snorted. “Like death,” he said. “And like I’m going to kill Izzy the next time I see her.” He shifted under the covers, and considered going back to sleep.

Magnus’ soft intake of breath, somewhere between a chuckle and a sound of sympathy, made Alec open his eyes. He opened his eyes and directed the best glare he could manage in Magnus’ direction. “You too, Magnus. Why were your drinks so good?”

The party, Alec had forgotten, but the drinks? The drinks, he could remember. He could see them in his mind even now–colorful and sweet-smelling, as if Magnus had been playing impromptu florist last night instead of bartender.

Magnus was attempting ignorance, but his mask slipped at the compliment and he all but blushed. Then, he was all mock seriousness again, hiding a small smile. “They weren’t all good,” he said, raising his eyebrows. “You just don’t remember the bad ones.”

Alec tried to remember Magnus making bad drinks. Then, he tried to imagine it. He failed both times. “The bad ones?”

“Yeah, the ones I made after you agreed to Isabelle’s bet – when I stopped fearing for your life and started fearing for the life of my antique furniture. It didn’t work. My couch survived. Your sobriety, not so much.” He was smiling at Alec again. “You are…persistent,” he said. Magnus gazed down at Alec, eyes straying past the bright red sheets.

Alec felt himself flush.

What had Magnus said? Izzy’s bet. Of course. All of Alec’s bad decisions were at least 75% her fault. And if they usually turned out to be good decisions, well, she knew that already. Alec looked at Magnus. Something in his eyes flickered again, and Alec felt the comforting fingers on his hip hesitate before drifting away. Something was wrong.

Instead of bending down to kiss him, like Alec had half-expected and more than half-wanted, Magnus turned to the tray of food, reaching for the enormous…thing of water.

“What is that?” Alec asked warily.

Magnus waved his hand dramatically. “Ancient hangover remedy,” he declared, eyebrows furrowed with false gravitas, then smiled. “Just a glass of water. No vodka this time.”

Alec’s stomach roiled and his eyes rolled with it. “That is a vase, Magnus,” he said flatly. There was no way he was going to drink all of that. There was no way he was going to drink any of that. He was never drinking anything ever again.

Surprisingly, Magnus didn’t say or do anything to get Alec to see his point of view. He just…let it go, placing the glass carefully back on the tray.

Over the past few months, Alec had noticed something about Magnus. He didn’t push. He didn’t prod. He didn’t force. He explained himself–laid all his cards on the table and allowed Alec to make his own decision. Of course, the several-century age difference between them meant that Magnus’ idea was usually the right one. But that wasn’t the point. The point was that Magnus didn’t manipulate, or force, or cajole. He trusted Alec to make the right decision. It was one of Alec’s favorite things about him.

But he wasn’t doing that now–now, when Alec was hungover and feeling awful–physically and otherwise. He was…letting it go.

Alec felt Magnus stand up from the bed, and shivered, feeling suddenly bereft, abandoned. Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn and the best only boyfriend Alec had ever had, didn’t let anything go, especially that easily. And especially when it came to Alec. What had happened last night? After the celebrations, and the drinks?

“I’ll just…leave it here,” Magnus was saying. There it was again, that something in his voice. Hesitation? Reluctance?

Magnus’ fingers were cool and soft on Alec’s forehead as Magnus brushed hair out of his face like he was a child, like he had a fever. Alec noted absently that he probably _did_ have a fever. He wanted Magnus closer to him. He wanted…

He wanted a hug, as ridiculous as it sounded. He wanted to just hold Magnus, until he stopped feeling shaky and sad, until he finally felt warm, for as long as Magnus would let him. But he couldn’t.

Alec pulled away, narrowing his eyes. He couldn’t think straight with Magnus so close to him. “What is it?” he asked. Part of him still hoped he was wrong, that he’d been misreading him, but that look came into his eyes again–infinitely tender, like Alec was made of glass–and he knew he was right.

“What happened? What did I do?”

The empty spot in his memory was like an open wound, and Alec picked at it, struggling in vain to fill in the blanks. They’d successfully tracked down a lead on Valentine, Izzy had suggested drinks to celebrate, Magnus had obliged (until he hadn’t, apparently), and then…nothing. Empty space. Alec’s mind spun. He’d already kissed Magnus in the middle of his own damned wedding. How much worse could it get? He knew he’d embarrassed himself. Had he embarrassed Magnus? Had he–

“Breathe,” Magnus said.

It wasn’t until he felt Magnus’ hands on his shoulders that Alec realized they were shaking. His eyes were wet.

“You were perfect,” Magnus said.

“Obviously not,” he responded automatically. Alec shrugged off his hands. He was feeling shaky and vulnerable, and Magnus’ gentle care was only making it harder. “Obviously not.”

Magnus sighed.

“What happened, Magnus?” he asked again. A chill went down his spine. “Did something happen with Jace? Did–”

“No,” Magnus interrupted. “Nothing like that, I promise.” He straightened his shoulders. Magnus had never kept anything from Alec, and Alec wasn’t going to let him start now.

“Magnus,” Alec prompted.

Magnus’ face was soft, and his mouth twitched in something that was half-smile, half-frown. “You were calling for your mother,“ he said quietly.

For a moment, Alec thought he’d heard wrong.

“What?”

Magnus winced. “You were calling for your mother,” he said again. “And your father.

Alec shook his head.

“No,” he said. “I…I…

He’d been handling it, hadn’t he? He’d been–

“Family, right?” Magnus said. His voice was lighthearted, but the smile on his face didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Never around when you need them.”

But Alec didn’t _need_ them. He…

“At least you didn’t dance naked on the bar, right?” Magnus said brightly. “I’ve done that once or twice. Rarely as much fun as it looks, trust me.”

Alec rolled his shoulders, focusing on the ache in his shoulders instead of the one in his heart. His mother. He’d talked about his mother.

Four months of suppressing it, of convincing Magnus and Izzy and even himself that he was okay. That he didn’t mind the coldness, the silence, the lack of contact. The way they’d dropped him like he didn’t even matter. And now…Magnus knew the truth.

Wait. It hadn’t just been Magnus. Izzy had been there. And Luke. Alec spun around, his eyes searching Magnus’. “Did everyone…did Izzy–

“I herded them all out,” Magnus reassured him, rubbing his knuckles with one warm hand. Alec closed his eyes. “I think they thought I wanted to ravish you in the living room.”

Of course that’s what they’d thought. That was the bargain he’d made, right? Love instead of duty, a relationship instead of a family?

“Didn’t you?” Alec heard himself ask, and the words tasted bitter in his mouth. He bit his tongue. He needed to train. He needed to hit something. Alec forced his eyes open, and saw the hurt in Magnus’ eyes.

“No, Alexander,” Magnus said quietly. “I didn’t.”

And then, suddenly, Alec remembered. Not what he’d said, or how he’d said it (judging from the way his stomach twisted, Alec wasn’t sure he wanted to), but that look on Magnus’ face. The guilt.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus said eventually.

The air felt cool on Alec’s hand as Magnus pulled away and Alec realized suddenly that Magnus blamed himself, just as Alec was blaming himself. For pulling him away from his family. For turning his parents against him. But it wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just…the way things had happened.

“It’s fine,” Alec said, more for his own benefit than for any other reason, but then he felt Magnus’ hand on his shoulder, turning Alec to face him.

“It’s not,” Magnus said. “To cut you off from your family because of who you choose to be with is…

He cut himself off, looking away from Alec as disbelief and disgust passing across his face like shadows. Eventually, he turned back to him.

“It’s very 19th century of them,” Magnus said, finally, a twitch in his fingers indicating exactly what he thought of it. “And not something that anyone deserves, least of all you.”

He could hear the words, but, well…Magnus loved him. Of course that’s what he thought. Alec knew better.

“It wasn’t that,” Alec said. “It wasn’t because of you. It was because of me. I wasted their time, I wasted their money, I embarrassed the Institute, I…destroyed our family name–

Alec had known it, even then–what he was doing, what he was giving up, what the consequences would be. It was just that, since being with Magnus, it was getting harder to accept pain, since he knew what it was like to be happy. He looked down, itching for his bow and quiver. Something he could shoot. Something he could hit.

“I destroyed our family,” Alec said, after a minute. His eyes swam, and his head pulsed. The pain was back, and he welcomed it.

Magnus didn’t disagree with him, although his quiet sigh let Alec know exactly what he thought of Alec’s explanation. Instead, Magnus sat behind him, his legs stretched out alongside Alec’s, so Alec could feel his body grounding him. When Magnus finally spoke, his voice was a whisper.

“Do you regret it?”

It was the same question he’d asked Alec four months ago. This time, Alec didn’t even stop to breathe before answering.

"No. No, I don’t. I just…” Alec stopped, shaking his head. "I just wish I hadn’t waited so long. Maybe if I hadn’t–if I hadn’t planned the wedding, or if I had talked to them. Why didn’t I just talk to them?”

Magnus cut him off, pulling Alec into his bare chest. "What happened happened, Alexander. None of us can change the past.” He sighed into Alec’s hair. "Not even me.”

Would he, if he could? If Alec could turn back time, get his family back, be the perfect son his perfect family always wanted? All he would have to do is go through with the wedding. All he would have to do is give up Magnus.

He closed his eyes, breathing in the familiar scent of Magnus’ body (and shampoo, and aftershave, and cologne).

"No,” Alec said, realizing it as the words were coming out of his mouth. It was hard, and it was difficult, but he had Magnus, and Magnus had him. He wouldn’t give that up for anything in the world. “I wouldn’t change anything. I just–

"You just miss your family,” Magnus said, his face soft with understanding.

And he did. It had taken him four months to notice, because he’d been so caught up in the whirlwind that was Magnus Bane, but now things were beginning to settle into sort of a familiar newness, and he wanted his family around him.

“You have friends,” Alec said. “But Isabelle and I…we don’t. We just have our family. Or we used to.”

His parents had loved him and Isabelle, and Jace and Max, but what they loved most, more than anything else, was the name Lightwood. Everything they had done had been for the health and support and glory of the Lightwood name. That was their favorite child. Alec had spent so much time living under the shadow of the Lightwood family name that living without it, he felt…weak. Like there was a piece of himself missing. The name had protected him and Isabelle more than once over the course of their lives, but now it was gone. What would they do if something happened? Their parents were gone. Jace was gone. He and Isabelle were alone. 

Or maybe they weren’t.

“I can do that for you,” Magnus said suddenly, in a voice Alec couldn’t remember having heard. It was almost tentative. Alec had never heard him be tentative before.

“What?” he asked. Alec turned around, holding himself up so he could look down at Magnus.

“I can do that for you” Magnus said again. He reached for Alec’s hands, and held them in his. “I can look out for you, and Isabelle, Max, even Jace.”

Alec smiled despite himself. "You already look out for us, Magnus. We’d be dead a dozen times over if it weren’t for you.”

Magnus shook his head, and ran his hands nervously over Alec’s. “I’ll be your family, Alec,” Magnus said, and Alec’s heart stopped.

That was…

“Until your family finally sees reason, because they will, I will be your family, Alec. Whatever you need.”

And who even said things like that? Alec shook his head, barking out a laugh of disbelief. Magnus. Magnus said things like that. It was so like him, to promise Alec the world and be totally, completely, 100% sincere.

Alec’s mouth worked silently for a moment before he found words. “Magnus, I’m not asking for that. I’m not asking for anything. I’m–I just needed to say that…

He trailed off. Magnus was smiling at him, in that way he did when he knew he was about to get his way. Alec was rambling, he knew, but couldn’t stop himself. Magnus’ words were uncomfortably close to a “till death do us part.,” and Alec wasn’t quite comfortable with how right the words sounded to him.

“It’s not your problem,” Alec said finally.

Magnus raised his eyebrows. “Just for clarity,” he began, shifting so that he was sitting on Alec’s lap, “You got drunk on my cocktails, cried on my couch, fell asleep on my floor, woke up in my bed and are about to eat my breakfast…right?”

By the time he finished, Alec was holding back laughter, but Magnus knew him better than that. Any hesitance was gone, and he smiled softly at Alec.

Perhaps a day would come when Alec got used to seeing that much love and tenderness directed towards him, but today was not that day. Alec pulled Magnus closer to him, so they were almost embracing. He loved this man. He loved him more than anything in the whole world.

“Magnus,” he said, helplessly.

“I understand that it’s your problem,” Magnus said, putting a hand to Alec’s cheek, “but it can be mine as well.”

As much as he wanted to say yes, Alec still felt unsure. “You’re sure?” he asked. “Isabelle gets into trouble all the time, Max isn’t much better, and Jace–

“The eternally dramatic and extremely passionate Lightwoods,” Magnus said, smiling. “I know, Alec. I know.” And he did. Magnus was already a part of Alec’s world. He was already there for him–already looked out for Alec and his siblings. He’d become family without Alec even noticing it.

“It would be my absolute pleasure to be a part of your family, Alec Lightwood,” Magnus said, and his voice was so sincere, his eyes so alight with joy that Alec couldn’t help but kiss him.

Magnus wrapped his arms around him, and Alec was home.

**Author's Note:**

> i have a tumblr. come talk to me!
> 
> sussoria.tumblr.com


End file.
